It's currently February 16, meaning I'm twenty-two now. Yay me.

I was originally going to upload a piece for my birthday, but I didn't have enough time to complete it (which is roughly the same situation as last year). I probably could've made something small to make up for it, I don't even have enough time to make something sweet and simple today without draining myself of energy that I need for later (or even making something that's presentable). (maybe i'll upload the original sketch/wip to @/noitsispart (on twitter))

When I initially paused around October 31, it was because exams were creeping up on me, and I wanted to walk out alive (which I did). But I want to do a little update as to where I've been for the past 4 to 5 months at this point:

For starters, I know long pauses between uploads are common for me ever since I've been posting online (seeing as the vector art I make takes longer than traditional/digital drawing), but I feel as if I should be more responsible and direct as to why these pauses happen.

1.) I am currently a college student, taking 15-16 credits per semester (5 classes a week) so you can imagine how much time I don't have to work on myself.

2.) Ever since 2021, my mental health/stability has nosedived harder and faster than it ever has before. Once I turned 21, I realized... "Oh, I am now 21, and this is what I have done with my life up until this point." While I can be glad at the fact I am still here to write this today, these emotions festered deep into my mind this past year and they have definitely impacted my art progression.

3.) Virtually every project that I planned in advance whether that be towards basic improvement, more content, or just different media types has not come true with me missing all my deadlines no matter how hard I try to plan them accordingly (this a problem that has persisted even before this year). No matter how hard I try to set a goal for myself, I can't seem to commit or accomplish anything sufficiently.

4.) I haven't personally established any guidelines, quality assurance, or boundaries between art that should be "personal" and "commercial/profitable (the ones that should be uploaded on the internet)." In the past, I could've ignored this and just strive through because I thought people would appreciate it regardless of how professional or amateur it was. However, I've started to see less and less value or competency in what I make in comparison to others like me. I wouldn't say it's entirely jealousy, but it's something like "Why am I completely unable to conjure something as cool/concise like that?" I'm trying to nail the sweetspot between interesting to both me and others, but no matter how hard/long I try to balance it, I'm starting to believe that what I like just is not interesting/appealing enough for me to get anywhere in the end.

It feels awkward for me to talk about this because I've had the mindset of:

"As long as something comes eventually, people won't care if I'm busy with other things."

"Regardless of how quiet you are or what you draw, people will find/like you eventually."

"Don't talk about/be open with yourself." "Your product comes first before anything else."

But if that "I don't know" piece is anything to go by, I am still willing to be honest and open with who I am in an online space. Even if I'm just muttering into the void at this point.

Sorry for the text wall, but if I don't explain myself now, I might not be able to in the future.

I said on twitter that "I will return", but not as soon as I initally expected. When I do come back, I'll keep my head up high. No matter how long it takes, I have to trust, respect, and understand myself and my limits. Thank you for reading. ^_^

~Trapsistion